even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
