btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
