never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
