we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
