i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
