how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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