dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
