last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
