I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize