oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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