I'm sorry my penis didn't work
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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