I met the friendliest cop last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
