My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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