I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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