I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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