I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
