I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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