I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
