your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
it hurts more in the daytime
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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