Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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