And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
