been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
