1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
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i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.