the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
