my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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