its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
