Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
