I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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