dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just want nice things and good sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
