So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
