Your mouth is God's brothel.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
