nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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