Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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