"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you inspire me to be a worse person
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
