Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
