She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
