Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So many bounce houses so little time
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
