I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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