How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
