What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm eating all of the evidence.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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