cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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