I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
