I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
