Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is classic penis vs brain.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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