the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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