Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
