remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
