i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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