I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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