false alarm. still invincible.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
