Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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