somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
