we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
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Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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