maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
