Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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