I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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