If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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