Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
