it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Semen is not good for contacts.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
