My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
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I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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