even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
